Decoding Behaviour: Understanding the 'Why' Behind Actions
It's 4:47pm on a Tuesday. You've just picked your child up from school, and before you've even made it to the car, they're melting down. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing their bag across the carpark.
You're exhausted. You've tried everything—rewards, consequences, staying calm, being firm. Nothing seems to work. Other parents are staring. You feel judged. And in that moment, a thought creeps in: What am I doing wrong?
Here's what you need to know: You're not doing anything wrong. And your child isn't either.
What you're witnessing isn't defiance or manipulation. It's communication. And once you understand what your child is trying to say through their behaviour, everything changes.
Behaviour Is Communication
This is the foundation of everything we'll explore in this article: All behaviour serves a purpose.
When children can't use words to explain what they feel or need—or when words fail them in moments of overwhelm—their actions speak for them. A meltdown isn't just a meltdown. It's information.
But here's the challenge: decoding that information isn't always straightforward. Behaviour is complex. It's influenced by sensory processing, emotional regulation, past experiences, and whether your child's nervous system feels safe in that moment.
At RippleAbility, we work alongside families navigating these complexities every day. And one of the most powerful shifts we see happens when parents stop asking "How do I stop this behaviour?" and start asking "What is my child trying to tell me?"
That question—that reframe—is where understanding begins.
In her presentation as part of the RippleAbility Carer Respite Pilot, Dr Michelle Olaithe walked families through the foundational principles of understanding behaviour from a psychological perspective. What follows builds on those insights, with practical tools and a trauma-informed lens that's essential for families with medically complex children.
The Four Functions of Behaviour
In behavioural psychology, most behaviours fall into one of four categories, or "functions." These functions explain why a behaviour is happening—what need it's meeting or what problem it's solving for your child.
Understanding these functions doesn't just help you respond more effectively. It helps you see your child's behaviour as adaptive, not problematic. They're doing the best they can with the tools they have.
1. Attention
What it means: Your child is seeking connection, interaction, or acknowledgment from others.
What it looks like:
Shouting out or interrupting
Making loud noises
Clowning around or acting silly
Engaging in behaviours they know will get a reaction
Why it happens: Humans are wired for connection. For children, especially those who may struggle to initiate interaction in typical ways, behaviours that guarantee a response—even a negative one—can feel safer than being ignored.
How to help:
Give calm, positive attention before escalation happens
Notice and reinforce moments of appropriate connection ("I love when you tap my arm to get my attention")
Teach and practice alternative ways to request attention (visual cue cards, a "help" button, a gentle touch)
2. Escape
What it means: Your child is trying to get away from a demand, situation, or feeling that's overwhelming.
What it looks like:
Running away from tasks
Refusing to participate
Aggression when asked to do something
Shutting down or going silent
Why it happens: When the demands placed on a child exceed their capacity—sensorially, emotionally, or cognitively—their nervous system shifts into survival mode. The behaviour is their brain's way of saying, "This is too much."
How to help:
Break tasks into smaller, more manageable steps
Use visual schedules so your child can predict what's coming
Offer choices to restore a sense of control ("Do you want to do this now or in five minutes?")
Praise effort, not just completion
3. Tangibles
What it means: Your child wants access to an item or activity.
What it looks like:
Screaming for the iPad
Grabbing toys from other children
Refusing to transition away from a preferred activity
Why it happens: Children, especially those with developmental differences, may not yet have the language or impulse control to negotiate, wait, or understand why they can't have something right now.
How to help:
Teach waiting and turn-taking using timers or visual supports
Set clear, consistent boundaries with empathy ("I know you want the iPad. We'll use it after dinner")
Use "First/Then" language ("First shoes, then park")
Reinforce delayed gratification when it happens
4. Sensory
What it means: Your child is seeking sensory input that feels good—or avoiding input that feels overwhelming.
What it looks like:
Hand-flapping, spinning, or jumping (seeking input)
Covering ears or avoiding certain textures (avoiding input)
Crashing into furniture or people
Chewing on clothing or objects
Why it happens: Sensory processing differences mean your child's nervous system may crave certain sensations or find others unbearable. These behaviours aren't random—they're regulating.
How to help:
Offer sensory tools proactively (fidgets, chewy necklaces, weighted items, noise-canceling headphones)
Create sensory-friendly spaces at home
Notice patterns: Does your child seek movement when anxious? Avoid noise when tired?
Work with an occupational therapist to build a sensory diet
The ABC Framework: Tracking Patterns
Once you understand the functions of behaviour, the next step is identifying patterns. That's where the ABC framework comes in.
ABC stands for Antecedent – Behaviour – Consequence, and it's one of the most effective tools for understanding what's triggering a behaviour and what's reinforcing it.
How It Works
A – Antecedent: What happened right before the behaviour?
B – Behaviour: What exactly did you see or hear?
C – Consequence: What happened immediately after?
Let's walk through a real example.
Meet Liam: A Real-World ABC Example
Liam is seven. He's autistic, has a speech delay, and struggles with transitions. Every morning when it's time to leave for school, he refuses to put his shoes on. When his mum insists, he throws the shoes, screams, and sometimes hits.
Liam's mum, Sophie, feels stuck. She's tried everything—rewards, consequences, timers, songs. Nothing works. She's starting to dread mornings.
We introduced Sophie to the ABC framework and asked her to track Liam's behaviour for a week. Here's what she noticed:
Antecedent Behaviour Consequence Mum says, "Time for shoes" Liam throws shoes, screams Mum delays leaving for 10 minutes to calm him Mum says, "Shoes on now" Liam hits and yells "No!" Mum gives up, carries him to car without shoes Visual timer shows 2 minutes left Liam screams and throws shoes Mum extends time, negotiates with him
Pattern identified: The function of Liam's behaviour is escape. He's trying to avoid the demand (putting on shoes) and the transition (leaving for school). And the consequence—delaying or avoiding the task—is reinforcing the behaviour.
But here's the critical part Sophie learned: Liam wasn't being defiant. He was overwhelmed.
Mornings were chaotic. The sensory experience of putting on shoes (tight, uncomfortable) combined with the unpredictability of transitions was more than his nervous system could handle. Throwing the shoes wasn't manipulation. It was communication: "I can't do this right now."
What Changed?
Once Sophie understood the why, she could adjust her approach:
She added predictability: A visual schedule showing the morning routine, with a picture of shoes at the end
She reduced sensory load: She bought seamless socks and slip-on shoes
She gave control back: "Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?"
She reinforced effort: "I noticed you put one shoe on by yourself. That's awesome."
Within two weeks, mornings were calmer. Liam still didn't love putting on shoes, but the meltdowns decreased by 80%. Sophie stopped dreading the school run. And Liam started to trust that mornings were safe and predictable.
That's the power of understanding behaviour.
A Note on Trauma
It's important to acknowledge that for many families with medically complex children, trauma plays a significant role in behaviour.
Medical trauma, from repeated high-risk procedures, hospital stays, painful interventions, and loss of control, can affect both children and parents. Children who've experienced medical trauma may react with extreme fear to anything that resembles a medical context, struggle with trust around caregiving tasks, or have difficulty regulating emotions even in low-stress situations.
Parents, too, carry their own trauma responses: hyper-vigilance, difficulty setting boundaries, emotional exhaustion from constant survival mode.
If you suspect trauma is influencing your child's behaviour, it's worth exploring trauma-informed approaches with a psychologist who understands medical complexity. We'll be unpacking trauma and its impact on families in a future resource.
For now, remember: Connection before correction. When a child's nervous system is in survival mode, they need your calm presence to co-regulate before they can self-regulate.
Addressing Common Misconceptions
Let's tackle some of the thoughts that keep parents stuck:
"My child is just being manipulative."
No. Children—especially young children or those with developmental differences—don't have the cognitive capacity for manipulation in the way adults understand it. What looks like manipulation is usually a learned behaviour that's been reinforced. The child isn't being calculating; they're doing what works.
"Nothing works. I've tried everything."
You've tried everything so far. But if the behaviour persists, it's because the function hasn't been addressed or the approach hasn't matched your child's needs. This isn't failure—it's information. The ABC framework can help you see what's missing.
"I'm a bad parent."
You're not. You're a parent navigating an incredibly complex, under-resourced system with a child whose needs don't fit the mainstream mould. The fact that you're reading this article—that you're seeking to understand—proves you're doing the work.
"If I give in, I'm rewarding bad behaviour."
There's a difference between "giving in" and meeting a need. If your child is behaviourally communicating that they're overwhelmed, and you offer a break or adjust the demand, you're not rewarding bad behaviour—you're teaching them that their needs matter and that safe communication works.
Strategies for Encouraging Positive Change
Once you understand the why behind behaviour, you can start building new patterns. Here are evidence-based strategies that work:
1. Catch Them Being Good
Children will repeat behaviours that get attention. If the only time they get your full attention is when they're melting down, guess what they'll do more of?
Flip the script: Notice and reinforce the behaviours you want to see more of.
"I love how you asked nicely for help."
"You waited so patiently while I finished that email."
"You used your calm voice even though you were frustrated. That's really hard to do."
2. Focus on Positives, Not Just Problems
Instead of saying, "Stop yelling," try, "Let's use our inside voice."
Instead of, "Don't hit your sister," try, "Hands are for helping. Can you show me a gentle touch?"
Positive framing tells your child what to do, not just what to stop.
3. Offer Choices
Autonomy reduces defiance. When children feel they have some control, they're more likely to cooperate.
"Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your story?"
"Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?"
"Do you need a break now or after you finish this?"
4. Be Consistent
Consistency doesn't mean rigid. It means predictable. Your child needs to know that the same behaviour will generally lead to the same response. This builds trust and helps their nervous system relax.
5. Model Self-Regulation
Children learn by watching you (And yes, 1 million times I acknowledge, as a parent, I know this is not easy!). If you want them to take a breath when they're upset, show them how you take a breath when you're upset.
"I'm feeling frustrated right now, so I'm going to take three deep breaths."
"That was hard for me. I need a minute to calm down."
When to Seek Professional Support
Behaviour support isn't about "fixing" your child. It's about understanding them better and building skills—for both of you.
Consider reaching out to a psychologist, behaviour specialist, or occupational therapist if:
You've tried strategies consistently and behaviour is escalating
You're worried about safety (yours, your child's, or others')
You're feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, or helpless
Your child's behaviour is impacting their participation in school, therapy, or family life
You suspect trauma is playing a role and need trauma-informed support
Getting help isn't a sign of failure. It's a sign of strength.
Reflection Prompt
Before you move forward, pause and reflect:
"If behaviour is a form of communication—what might my child be trying to tell me?"
Consider how your child feels in the moments before they act out. Are they tired? Frustrated? Seeking comfort? Avoiding something hard? Understanding the message behind the behaviour is the first step toward change.
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From the RippleAbility Team
Behaviour is one of the hardest parts of parenting a child with complex needs. It's exhausting. It's isolating. And it can make you question everything.
But here's what we know after working with hundreds of families: You're not alone. Your child isn't broken. And with the right understanding and support, change is possible.
Behaviour is communication. And once you learn to listen, everything shifts.
This resource provides general guidance only. Every child is unique—please seek professional advice that fits your family's specific needs.
